Holiday blah...

Unfortunately, but fortunately I guess, I didn't grow up celebrating holidays. I say unfortunately because I don't know what holiday spirit is and now that I have kids, it's hard to get it going. But fortunately, I refuse to get all wrapped up in the commercialism behind it. At the end of the day, it can be lonely. Since my family never celebrated holidays, there are no traditions that I'm used to or even miss. But watching the others around me makes for a very quiet and solitary season.

I guess part of coping has been excluding myself instead of trying to include myself. Needless to say, I have a love/hate relationship with this time of year. And now that new years is here, two down... last to go. My husband wants to go to church. Who does that in the middle of the night? Tithing ploy. I hate church. Such a gimmick.

I often wonder what my life would be like had I not grew up a witness
 Would I believe in God at all? Even Jesus'story is becoming more and more questionable to me. The kids are really growing up. Two going to a party and that leaves the baby that is Dwimoh sidekick. So... mommy time tonight it is! Happy New Year!

The epitome of me... One layer at a time

If you know anything about me, you know Ty is random and erratic. What this blog was meant to stand for... well. Whatever I feel like I guess. I had a conversation with a friend last night and we both discovered that for some reason, pieces of our lives had been forgotten. Large pieces. I don't know about him, but the idea of not remembering my life scares the hell out of me! But, the one thing I do know we have in common is, growing up with a parent that who suffered from substance abuse. Ok, so that leads me to the explation of lost memory recall. It has been explained as a coping mechanism through some type of trauma. Be it your childhood, abuse, PTSD... whatever. I find that to be very interesting because when I try to pinpoint timeframes I do not remember, it seems to be surrounded by some major "negative" event in my life. I put negative in quotes because while it was very uncomfortable going through such events, they served a very profound purpose in my life now.

Whatever was happening in my life around the time that I knew what having an alcoholic dad was, knowing that my mother had a terminal illness, the reality check of the fact that my baby in my arms as a teenager is real, my teen marriage, my emotionally abusive relationship, the death of my parents, the loss of my children and when I hit rock bottom... I couldn't tell you what else was going on around me. I was living, but the instant replay didn't record. So... that has become my mission. Hopefully, not a momentary mission. I have read that expressive writing can be emotionally healing. And during the process, digging deep can reveal alot about the past part of us. I am praying that I can dig far enough, long enough without being to afraid to hit bedrock.